I’m waiting for my buddy to pick me up at the Las Vegas airport after purposely missing a flight.
I’m listening to the voice inside my head replay what transpired with my missed flight situation.
Then a girl walks past me and stops about 20 feet from where I’m sitting.
Blonde hair, blue eyes – hello future wife.
This is it! Everything happens for a reason, and this is exactly where God wanted me to be.
I’m supposed to talk to this girl, ask her out for coffee and then proceed to a chapel for a classic Las Vegas love story.
We made eye contact and my gut told me it was wise to proceed with the conversation.
The voice inside my head, on the other hand, told me not to proceed.
I even had an observational conversation starter!
Three minutes of silence passed, and then her parents showed up.
My bootlegged version of How I Met Your Mother was canceled before episode one was even written.
Regret circulated through my body.
And it stayed.
This has been a pretty common occurrence throughout my life.
I have always been terrible at making decisions.
Mainly scared to make the wrong choice, especially when they were potentially life-changing.
For instance, when I was younger I really wanted a ferret for a pet. It was $200.00, so I saved everything I earned.
When I hit the goal, I walked straight into the pet store and walked straight out…without a ferret.
I couldn’t pull the trigger.
Not necessarily a life-changing decision, but you never know!
Maybe if I’d purchased that ferret, I would have trained it to do some really cool tricks and then become a professional ferret trainer!
This newsletter would then be all about ferrets.
Or there was that time I didn’t know what major to choose in college.
Instead of learning more about myself, I decided to transfer to 5 different schools trying to figure it out.
I have two tendencies when it comes to decisions.
The first tendency is I tend to overthink every scenario when a decision is to be made.
The second tendency, and much more used in my life, is I tend to underthink every scenario when a decision is to be made.
The first tendency can be beneficial for big decisions, but for quick, in-the-moment decisions, the second tendency makes for a more spontaneous life.
I think so much that I thought of all the possibilities that can stem from a decision.
Every decision can be broken down into 3 possible scenarios:
- Regret
- Complacency
- Risk
Knowing about these outcomes, and how to be OKAY with each one, has tremendously helped me with my decision-making process.
It has also decreased my analysis paralysis.
Disclaimer: I am going to be giving two perspectives for each of these outcomes. What each decision looks like, without wisdom – this is for the newbies, and what each decision looks like with wisdom, is for the seasoned vets.
A wise perspective is the only way to feel okay with all your decisions.
We’ll start with regret.
In the words of Karen Fillapelli from The Office, regret…”is kind of a bitch”.
I know what you all are thinking. Why would I ever want to be okay with regret?
All the self-help gurus are constantly badgering me that regret should be #1 on my fear list.
I found a better path than most gurus that’s sustainable for happiness.
What regret looks like WITHOUT wisdom:
- One of the worst feelings
- You continually beat yourself up after the experience has come and gone
- Fear wins and you let your emotions be the master of you
- No growth with this outcome
- Usually victim mindset / no accountability
We’ve all been there.
You are deep in your emotions because you failed to do something that you think would’ve improved your life.
You order a large pizza.
You eat that whole pizza, and then you analyze your life and all the choices you’ve made that led to this exact moment.
Why can’t we ever analyze our life’s choices before ordering takeout?
Either way, you’re about 5,000 calories deep in regret and it feels awful.
Regret is one of the worst feelings that we can experience.
The shoulda, coulda, woulda scenario is being played over and over again. And the feeling of regret doesn’t easily pass, no it likes to linger.
*insert lingerer gif*
It’s not an easy emotion to digest, like that large pizza you ate.
You will continually beat yourself up after the experience has come and gone.
Regret is like a pimple that you try to pop before it’s ready.
It sticks around way longer than if you would’ve been patient and waited for the beautiful white mountain peak to form.
You will call yourself names that not even the worst bully in grade school would’ve called you.
You’ve let fear become your master.
This allows all the other emotions to see that they can easily take over the voice in your head as well.
Your mind will turn into a carnival but with only one ride – a rollercoaster.
You will be riding a rollercoaster of emotions for the rest of your life.
There is no growth with regret.
Regret doesn’t do anything for your self-improvement except create terrible feelings.
It’s tough to learn anything from regret, except that you regretted not doing something.
The feeling of regret hopefully makes you take more risks with your next choice – it usually doesn’t.
You probably know the famous phrase “if you aren’t growing, you’re dying”.
Regert is probably the main culprit of the creation of this phrase.
You will live in a victim mindset.
Early on in your journey, you won’t be accountable for all the misery you are creating for yourself.
You will continue to blame outside forces.
What regret looks like WITH wisdom:
- Everyone is going to have regret
- Regret is just a whiny voice in your head, not an actual representation of who you really are.
- “Regret nothing” creates anxiety.
- How are we to know what we should be regretting and not regretting?
Everyone is going to experience regret.
That’s just the nature of life.
There are way too many choices in today’s world that people are going to miss out on doing a lot of really cool stuff.
F.O.M.O or fear of missing out is going be linked to anxiety and will be a diagnosis in the future of clinical psychology.
Understanding regret from a wise mindset allows you to move away from a victim mindset, into an accountability mindset.
Regret is just a whiny voice in your head, it’s not actually who you really are.
Think of this voice as a really annoying sibling.
They always know how to push your buttons.
The voice is not an accurate representation of who you really are. It is just a collection of your previous experiences.
It will blab on and on and on…
The voice will convince you that you have made the worst possible choice by not interacting with that person.
But, here’s the comical part, the voice is the one that stopped you from interacting with that person in the first place!
First, you have to become aware of this voice in your head.
Once you do that, then you can laugh at the ridiculousness of the voice.
Even while it’s whining.
“Regret nothing” creates anxiety.
This phrase creates the mindset that you need to be making the correct or risky decision every waking minute of your life 24/7.
This creates more anxiety than pleasure.
The wise look at the phrase “regret nothing” from a different perspective.
The wise live in the present moment so that there is nothing for them to actually regret.
Whatever unfolds in front of them, good or bad, is appreciated.
How are we to know what we will or won’t regret?
A decision that we think is a regret in the moment, might turn out to be one of our best decisions.
We only regret something due to what the voice in our head has attached to what it likes and dislikes from previous experiences.
The voice is confused.
The voice in my head likes to talk to women.
The voice in my head also dislikes approaching women.
They are in a never-ending stand-off.
What complacency looks like WITHOUT wisdom:
- Growth is no longer your desire, the process of withering begins.
- You miss out on knowing what your true capabilities are.
- Every day begins to feel the same.
Complacency is the next scenario that a decision can turn into.
It’s a step up from regret and isn’t always bad.
At least, for a while.
You’ve been in a job where your skillset has plateaued, but the money is good.
You are in a relationship where you no longer feel that spark, but you are scared of being alone.
Life doesn’t quite have the zest that you’re looking for.
Welcome to complacency, my friend.
It was spring 2020 and I was straight vibing!
I was just laid off from a job that I hated, but still getting paid.
I took my free time and decided to write a book on all the life lessons I had learned before turning 30.
I also decided to spend that summer living out of my car.
I was adventuring, I was working on a project and was in a life growth spurt.
I finished my book, and then the growth stopped.
I didn’t go back to work, I stayed at my parent’s house.
I didn’t have any new projects I was creating and got engulfed with the NFT craze.
Depression and anxiety came knocking – actually, they came with a halligan bar.
Growth is no longer your main focus, withering occurs.
Did I already mention if you aren’t growing, you’re dying?
I did, didn’t I?
Dammit!
What about this?
If you aren’t creating, you’re decaying.
If you were to stop filling your brain with new knowledge and new experiences; would you have a good life?
I think so.
But, you would have to be okay with being left in the dust.
This means probably living out in the woods by yourself.
Disconnected from society.
Humans are always evolving, either with or without you.
The universe doesn’t care about you. It will continue creating every day.
You miss out on your full potential.
You open social media upon waking.
You see all of your “friends” doing awesome things, while you’re just getting your day going at 12 p.m.
You constantly judge yourself from a Keeping Up With The Jonses mental framework.
You feel a great sense of self-disappointment.
The gift of your mind is one of the greatest gifts.
If you know how to properly train it.
The mind gave us the ability to fly!
Unfortunately, humans don’t take full advantage of their minds.
They focus all their attention on their personal mind.
Don’t believe me? Next time you check out at the grocery store, look at the magazines and the topics covered.
All are related to the personal mind.
Complacency is the greatest chef for everyone’s least favorite meal: what if?
Every day feels the same.
Complacency leads to the question: is this all there is to life?
You wake up.
After hitting snooze 3 times.
You shower.
Breakfast.
You go to work.
You spend a ridiculous amount of time at work on social media.
Lunch.
You go home.
Dinner.
You watch TV.
You go to sleep.
Rinse and repeat for 30 years.
You begin to have a craving for some excitement.
*Most people live between regret and complacency*
What complacency looks like WITH wisdom:
- You release the here & now molecules
- Every day is actually not the same
- You are developing a new skill – patience.
- Less anxiety
You feel the here-and-now molecules.
What exactly are these molecules?
- Serotonin = happiness
- Oxytocin = pleasure or the love hormone
- Endorphins = block pain and increase wellbeing
The here-and-now molecules are a scientific way of saying you are in the present moment.
You aren’t thinking of anything else, you are only focused on the moment unfolding in front of you.
The present moment is where all these mood-boosting molecules can be found – meaning we all need to slow down a little.
Complacency allows you to take in your surroundings with no hidden agenda.
You have the possibility to put your personal mind on mute.
You realize every day is not actually the same.
“No man steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” -Heraclitus
Where I’m writing this, I have a beautiful view of a tree with a phenomenal mountainous backdrop.
I have been looking at this tree every day, and I’m not going to lie – it looks the same most days.
But, I know that it’s not actually the same.
It’s currently spring so the leaves are beginning to get more green by the day.
Every day there is a different breeze which causes the leaves to move in a different pattern than I’ve noticed previously.
There are birds that fly in and out of the tree, changing the dynamics of that tree.
While it may look like the tree is being complacent, it’s really not.
When you are going through your normal monotomous day, realize:
- You are not the same person every day
- The world unfolding around you is not the same every day
You develop patience.
Complacency builds the skill of patience.
This is dope because patience is a key part of success – at least according to my formula:
Persistence + Patience = Success.
While you are working towards your success, you have to know it’s not going to happen overnight.
You have to practice being patient with little or no progress.
If you can learn to love complacency, then you have half of the equation of success figured out.
Aside from success, you will actually be living your life by embracing complacency.
Less anxiety.
Our personal mind loves to create anxiety.
Dopamine loves to create anxiety – as you will see in the risk section.
The future and the unknown create anxiety.
Constantly trying to biohack our days to orchestrate the perfect day creates anxiety.
When you are okay with where you are at this exact moment in time, then you are creating an internal world of peace.
You won’t feel the need to mold the reality around you to feel joy and peace.
The world is what it is, and you are who you are.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Harmony.
*The sweet spot is having all your decision outcomes be in-between complacency and risk*
What risk looks like WITHOUT wisdom:
- Creates the quickest change
- Has the biggest returns
- Most beneficial for growth
- Dampens the emotion of fear
If I’m having trouble finding something to be grateful for, I always rely on being grateful to those who risked it all to get a biscuit.
I wouldn’t be able to enjoy biscuits without their sacrifice.
Is there, not a better object that rhymes with risk it?
Apparently, the phrase risk it for the biscuit first appeared as a headline in an Irish newspaper after a local boy broke into a van of Jacobs biscuits.
Pretty clever journalist.
Then the phrase grew in use in the 70s when a chocolate bar called Swisskit became popular in the UK.
The slogan was: “I’ll risk it for a Swisskit.”
I’d actually risk it for some swiss chocolate over a biscuit any day.
I hope that your risks translate into more than a biscuit.
Risk creates the quickest change.
The brain is constantly trying to solve puzzles.
The more information the brain receives, the quicker it can solve the puzzle.
If you want to change your mental health in the quickest way, you have to risk being vulnerable with yourself or your therapist.
Risk provides the quickest change because it provides the most information in the fastest timeframe.
With regret, you will always be guessing. With risk, you will always know.
I think I’m funny and believe I could be a comedian.
In order to see if that’s accurate, I need to risk going to an open mic at a comedy club.
Which I did.
This was my joke:
“I finally figured out what I was meant to do on planet Earth. I’m supposed to be a bouncer at a midget-only club (for context: I’m 5’2). I work out all the time and you always see in the movies these midgets hitting people right in the genital region. If they were to punch me, they would hit me right in the abdomen region. Guess what my main focus is in the gym. My core!
Apparently, it needs to be workshopped a little bit more before I can call myself a comedian.
I took a risk and was provided answers.
If you are attracted to someone, the quickest way of finding out if they reciprocate that feeling is by asking that person out for coffee.
Which I’m currently incapable of doing.
If you believe you have a good idea for a business, risk starting that business.
You will quickly know whether it was a good idea or a bad idea.
Risk has the biggest returns.
I know, risking it for just one biscuit doesn’t seem like that big of a return.
What if that biscuit was one Tesla stock, and you went all in when it first debuted as a publicly traded company?
The return would be big.
It started at $17/share (2010) and at its peak (2021), it was $400.
If you bought a $1,000.00 stake in Tesla at $17 – you would have roughly 58 shares of Tesla.
Sell those 58 shares at $400 and you have roughly $23,500.
Famous actors have risked betting on themselves.
Jim Carrey’s story is one that involves risking everything to become a star.
On a smaller scale, I remember risking buying new underwear from a different brand than I normally do.
That underwear turned into my favorite pair to wear.
The universe seems to enjoy having people indulge in risky behavior.
Its rewards are often generous.
But, the universe also seems to test each individual’s strength whenever risk is involved.
Risk is the most beneficial for growth.
If you are reading this then you are clearly into self-improvement.
You don’t want a mediocre life.
You want to squeeze all the juice and zest you can from your one shot on Earth.
The quickest way to advance your self-improvement is through risk.
The learning curve is significantly decreased when risk is added to the equation.
You will read hundreds of books and articles about self-improvement, but I doubt you will take any of the actions provided in that book.
Why?
The action is a risk.
At least it’s a risk to your personal mind.
I also know because I do the same thing.
I love being complacent and reading about all these awesome things I could do to improve my life.
But, we’re in the risk section now.
To truly grow, risk is needed.
Action is needed.
The step from knowing to doing is so rarely done.
If you include risk in your personal development, you will be ahead of 99% of the people trying to get ahead.
Risk dampens the emotion of fear.
I wanted to say that risk masters the emotion of fear, but that’s just not true.
Fear is everywhere, but by taking risks you make fear less near.
Risk allows you to steer fear.
The more risk you take, the more control you take.
Control of the personal mind in which fear is at the helm.
Start small, for fear is like battling the boss in the last level of a video game.
It’s not easy to defeat.
In one of my favorite board games, Risk, I always try to get Australia in the beginning.
It’s one of the smallest continents to own, and the easiest to defend.
Plus, once you gain control, soldiers start to multiply.
The soldiers grow into an army, and they are ready to take on the rest of the world.
What risk looks like WITH wisdom:
- Creates high levels of dopamine
- Creates anxiety
This fraud is out of his mind!
Everything he wrote under “What risk looks like WITHOUT wisdom” looks like the exact life I want to live!
How can that be living without wisdom?!
That’s the greatest magician of all playing a trick on you.
The mind.
Risk creates high levels of dopamine.
You need to understand the molecule of dopamine, which lives in the brain.
I like to call it the striving molecule.
It’s what help pushes you toward your goals.
It wants the money, the cars, the stardom – it wants it all.
Dopamine is a greedy bastard.
It could also be called the starving molecule because it is never satiated.
No matter how many goals you achieve, or risks you take – dopamine isn’t satisfied.
But, it makes you believe that if you get what it wants, then you will be happy.
In reality, it moves on to the next shiny object that arouses it.
Because it creates such high levels of excitement, you have to be very careful.
If you are always trying to feed dopamine, you will feel severe levels of mood drop-off when you are unable to satisfy dopamine’s appetite.
Risk creates anxiety.
If you aren’t constantly taking risks, you will develop anxiety.
This is because dopamine has experienced peak levels, and wants more.
You won’t be able to sit still.
You will miss all the here-and-now molecules.
Also, not all risks pan out.
I’ve gone to Las Vegas plenty of times to understand this truth.
If you take a big risk, anxiety will follow.
It’s like taking a bus up the narrowest of roads, trying to reach the peak of the mountain.
Millimeters to your right is death staring you in the eyes.
This is where you need strength.
You better have thick skin to be able to acknowledge death, and then remain focused on the goal at hand.
If not, the house always wins.
3 ways to make better choices:
- Limit your options
- Attach importance to the doing, not to the results
- Quiet your mind and know there is no right decision
Limit your options.
“The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less.”
Socrates
Try not to have more than one desire at a time.
If possible, have zero desires.
Fewer desires mean fewer decisions to make.
This means less anxiety and less FOMO.
My main desire at this moment is to have a career where I can use my creativity and humor to help people.
If I didn’t have this desire then I could reduce my dissatisfaction when I go into my normal 9-5 job.
I wouldn’t have to make decisions about whether I should spend my days off writing this newsletter, or use them as rest days.
Or if I put enough charm and humor into this so I don’t sound like a foo-foo life coach.
I am only trying to express the energy in me that wants to do this project.
Attach importance to the doing, not the results.
I learned this from the comedian, Gary Shandling.
In It’s Gary Shandling’s Book, he preached attaching importance to only the doing, not the results.
He said that “to do, just to do, is the highest spiritual path”.
Somewhere along the evolution of humans, we got addicted to results.
Addicted to winning.
Damn you dopamine!
If you want decisions to become easier, just make a choice.
Make the act of deciding the only important thing.
Disconnect yourself from the outcomes.
Quiet your mind and know there is no right decision.
Listen, the universe is fucking complex.
We are all made of literal stardust.
Our decisions don’t matter.
There is something much larger at play here.
There are different scenarios for every decision you make – you will never know what is going to happen next.
The best thing you can do is quiet the voice inside your head, and then try to focus on the decision.
What sort of feelings do you get when you focus on deciding one way versus the alternative?
We are made of energy, so energy is important.
You will be able to tell the difference between the energy you get when focusing on a decision.