ZERO EXPECTATIONS
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-Benjamin Franklin
Deep down, everyone has some narcissistic traits to them and only care about themselves. So, when you start expecting things from other people, you are bound to be let down at some point or another, and it creates unnecessary frustration, sadness, depression, etc.
When you have zero expectations of other people, then you get to be surprised more often. It also allows that other person to be themselves instead of trying to live up to your expectations. They feel more relaxed around you because you don’t have any expectations of them. Doing this creates incredible, real, and authentic relationships because you will more often than not be interacting with their real personality instead of some fake one that was necessary to be around you and all your judgments. In his book Awareness by Anthony De Mello, he says,
“Think of somebody you are living with or working with whom you do not like, who causes negative feelings to arise in you. The first thing you need to understand is that the negative feeling is inside you. You are responsible for the negative feeling, not the other person. Someone else in your place would be perfectly calm and at ease in the presence of this person; they wouldn’t be affected. You have an expectation of this person. Then say to this person, “I have no right to make any demands on you.” In saying that you will drop your expectation.”
Give without expectations
There is a mysterious force in the universe that happens when you give without expectations. It seems that it always works out that you get what you give when practicing this parable.
Love without expectations
Better relationships, better life.
Prediction Error
Science proves that life is more enjoyable when you don’t have expectations. Expectations occur in the future, which is where stress and anxiety also occur. You can thank a molecule in your brain for expectations called dopamine. Dopamine is the pleasure molecule. We, as human beings, always want more pleasure. We are never satisfied. Dopamine is the reason we are always looking into the future and infiltrate our consciousness with predictions. There is no pleasing dopamine. Once it gets its fix, then it looks for the next fix.
When your brain is expecting a reward or predicting something positive is going to happen to you, and that doesn’t happen, this is known as a prediction error. This error causes the dopamine system to shut down, causing you to feel terrible. On the opposite end of the spectrum, when you don’t anticipate any reward, and you are suddenly surprised with one, such as someone randomly giving you $100, then dopamine molecules fire off, creating unexpected good feelings.
In the book, Molecule of More, Daniel Lieberman, and Michael Long describe dopamine as the source of tenacity and desire.
Bonus: Anthony De Mello talks about desire in his book Awareness. He says, “Do not suppress desire, because then you would become lifeless. Desire in the healthy sense of the word is energy. Understand it. Don’t seek to fulfill desire so much as to understand desire. Because if you just suppress your desire, and you attempt to renounce the object of your desire, you are likely to be tied to it. Whereas if you look at it and see it for what it is really worth, if you understand how you are preparing the grounds for misery and disappointment and depression, your desire will then be transformed into what I call a preference.”
The Molecule of More authors also talk about here and now, or H&N receptors, that are the source of satisfaction and complacency. The H&N molecules are serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. The book breaks down the two spaces that we usually experience: extrapersonal and peripersonal.
“Extrapersonal: Characteristic of things in the extrapersonal space: to get them requires effort, time, and in many cases, planning.
Peripersonal: Contrast, anything in the peripersonal space can be experienced in the here and now.”
While extrapersonal space is crucial for goals, it is also a space that causes addiction and cravings. Peripersonal is where you want to try to spend the majority of your time. Think of it as diet and exercise. Many fitness gurus will tell you it’s 80% diet and 20% exercise. You can think of peripersonal and extrapersonal similarly, with 80% peripersonal and 20% extrapersonal. You still have goals, but you experience the present so much more.
Read:
The Molecule of More by Daniel Lieberman and Michael Long
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